It began with the final stages of my pregnancy. Out of breath and platelets, I was pulled from school sooner than I’d hoped to be at home where I could rest. At that time, I thought that there was nothing I wanted to do more than teach PE. I loved that job. I loved those kids. I loved that school. I found many other teachers that inspired me and I loved them too. So, being at home wasn’t the wonderful news most people hope for. CMac was such a huge piece of who I thought I was and it made me so sad to leave it behind.
Then, before we even had the chance to be sure about his name, our baby boy arrived in a medical miracle. Without the nitty gritty details, Baby had stopped moving so they decided to take him. We found out in later appointments that it was a matter of life or death. I can barely talk about the staff at the hospitals without crying. They gave us our boy, saved me, took time to stop in and see me while I was in the hospital and had incredible love for Sam while he was in the NICU. They are our angels and each one of their faces will forever be in my memory.
Though on oxygen, we finally got Sam home from the hospital. They told me most babies are on oxygen for 5 months and I thought to myself “I’m not having him on O2 for that long. That’s crazy.” Sure enough... almost 5 months to the day. A very long but distance memory of those first months. It seems like it never happened.
Not long after we brought Sam home I developed blood clots. To my surprise, I have become a bit of a medical mystery with issue after issue surfacing. I don’t know how many times I said to Shaun, I can’t take anymore. I learned to stop saying that and I learn I can handle so much more than I thought. Another long story short, I continue to inject blood thinners twice a day with uncertainty that I will be able to stop this routine anytime soon. Daily struggle, but things could be so much worse.
You may wonder what the point of all that was. Truthfully, it’s simply to put it out there and release it from me. I wish I could say I hated this year and that life wasn’t fair and that I deserve better. But how can I ever say something like that when I have the most beautiful little boy my eyes have ever seen? How could I feel sorry for myself with my chubby baby screaming with delight in the background? I can’t. I have a healthy, smart, hilarious child and this is something that some people try all their lives for. I have one of the most caring and supportive men as my husband. He’s everything I always thought dads were. I have two guys that love me so unconditionally and there is nothing better than that in the whole world.
2009 was a year of firsts for me. First time realizing I am no longer afraid of the doctor’s office. First time holding Sam and I realized there is nothing in the world that is as mine as he is. First time being blinded by mommy love. First time giving myself needles. First time feeling like I couldn’t possibly handle the kind of responsibility that comes with a baby, let alone a 4lb one. First tears because I couldn’t make him stop crying. First tears because I was the only one who could make him stop crying. First time reading the Twilight series to get through sleepless, breast feeding nights. First smile. First time I could tell that Sam could actually see me. First time being peed on. First time realizing that some of our family and friends can be counted on for anything (and I mean anything... including delivering my breast milk from me at the hospital to our house so that Sam could have that instead of formula or being a secret friend bringing gifts each week just to make me smile.) First roll over. First reach for toys. First sleep through the night. First tooth. First ‘real’ food. First belly laugh (it’s because I’m just so freakin hilarious and I appreciate that he gets me!) First time sitting alone, crawling, pulling to stand and walking along things. So many more I could list, but any one who is a mommy or daddy has a very similar list and know what I’m getting at. And it’s hard for me to believe that only 12 short months ago, I had NO idea and I mean absolutely NO idea what this baby had in store for me. Some days it’s amazingly awful, but most days it’s just awfully amazing.
So here’s to a healthy 2010. Filled with more firsts. It’s hard to know what it will be like, but I know for sure it will be an adventure.
